Desperate Marriages Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship (Audible Audio Edition) Gary Chapman Chris Fabry Oasis Audio Books
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When you said, "I do," you entered marriage with high hopes. You dreamed that your marriage would be supremely happy. You never intended it to be miserable. Millions of couples are struggling in desperate marriages. But the story doesn't have to end there. Dr. Gary Chapman writes, "I believe that in every troubled marriage, one or both partners can take positive steps that have the potential for changing the emotional climate in their marriage." As you listen to Desperate Marriages, the revised and updated edition of the award-winning book Loving Solutions, you will learn how to recognize and reject the myths that hold you captive, better understand your spouse's behavior, take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions, and make choices that can have a lasting, positive impact on you and your spouse.
Also, learn what to do if your spouse is irresponsible, a workaholic, controlling, uncommunicative, verbally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abusive, unfaithful, addicted to alcohol or drugs, or depressed.
Desperate Marriages Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship (Audible Audio Edition) Gary Chapman Chris Fabry Oasis Audio Books
This book did not help my marriage. Most self help books leave me with something useful, even if just a small nugget. But I cannot even remember a single thing this book said! I am glad for other reviewers who have found the help they were looking for. But this book didn't even scratch the surface for us.The first (and less significant) problem: The chapters are divided out by "difficulty," (see table of contents for specifics), and I would wager that most people are experiencing 1 - 3 of these difficulties, leaving the rest of the book as irrelevant. So if you are lucky, a few pages of this book will be relevant to your specific situation. Unfortunately, the difficulties represented herein are complex and devastating, and what's in these pages is not nearly sufficient coverage. In a nutshell, "Desperate Marriages" is an overview of specific difficulties, with some ideas of first steps you might be able to take and some examples. (Though I don't recommend this book; read further.)
The Second (and more significant) problem: I found the advice to be not only unrealistic but poor. There are many stories that all seemed to leave me wondering, "Who ARE these people?" For example, if it was so easy to help a depressed spouse, who would have one? In real life, things are not as cut and dry as in these case studies. Not all of our spouses "predictably respond" just how we are hoping! Follow certain steps and some do's/don'ts, and your spouse will be on their way to healing? (I am quite positive Gary Chapman has never had a marriage like mine.)
The Bad Advice: I have not found that "understanding the source of my spouse's negative behavior" (as this book advocates), brings healing nor harmony. In fact, it makes things worse because focusing on your spouse's problems is the basic recipe for an argument (in addition to marital dissatisfaction and personal despair). I think he gave very bad advice. I highly doubt a spouse is even able to arrive at a completely unbiased, accurate understanding of the roots of their spouse's behaviors. But even if that were the case, it does not begin to answer how you would practically solve the problem. Which leads to another concern - you can't be solving somebody else's problems. This book is not about minding your own business - it is about minding someone else's business because you think they are doing a bad job managing their own life. Whereas that may be true, you don't have the authority to change any of that. You're only the expert in your own life.
Many (most) marriage books seem to present a masked way to control, or manipulate one's spouse into changing. I am not the first person to discover that you cannot change other people. Gary Chapman claims that you can't change someone's behavior but you can influence it. That sounds like a fine statement, but the entire premise of the book is trying to change someone's behavior / fix their problem. Quite contradictory.
Likewise, we have not had success with couples' therapy. It seemed to revolve around deeply connecting with one's feelings and becoming vulnerable, but wouldn't tackle the troubling issues head-on. It lacked practical solutions to overcome them. Additionally, traditional marriage advice (giving 100% not 50/50, compromising, good communication, etc) is completely unhelpful in difficult marriages.
Now on to the good news:
Although I do feel my spouse has difficult issues, I personally have found the most help for my marriage and myself, through getting off my husband's paper and changing the only thing I can control: ME. I highly recommend the author Laura Doyle for all women. Learning her foundational "6 Skills" and implementing them in my life is the only hope and peace in marriage I have ever experienced. The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband's Time, Attention, and Affection I recommend all of her books wholeheartedly. If you are a woman and in a truly desperate marriage, I plead with you to look no further. Don't lose hope before this final resort. Order that book and also apply for a "Complimentary Discovery Call" like I did. Unlike "Desperate Marriages," her principles are more practical than PB&J for lunch.
Blessings on your search for healing in your marriage!
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Desperate Marriages Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship (Audible Audio Edition) Gary Chapman Chris Fabry Oasis Audio Books Reviews
It didn't relate to my situation. It may be good for others in full blown adultery or more severe situation
This book is indeed written to meet the needs of many desperate marriages today. It is not a book you read through and shelf it! It is needs re-reading and careful study, and if possible read further the suggested websites and books that Dr. Chapman suggests in the footnotes. As a pastor, I found it very helpful to my ministry by guiding spouses to make correct decisions that heal their hurting marriages.
I have always admired the writing style of Gary Chapman. His book THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES was just the beginning in helping us learn about people in relationships. I thank him for all the books he has penned and urge even more to be written. His easy, concise way of writing giving many examples of what DESPERATE is really great. I think many marriages are this way and people do not recognize what is making them unhappy. I think his good sense and advice are easy to understand. Thank you Gary...keep on writing!
The issue dealing with Incest in a marriage. Seriously, incest is criminal and it seemed to be glossed over in this book, as well as domestic violence. I understand in DV situations, it is possible to work out issues that escalate violence in a relationship. However, when there are children involved (sexual and physical abuse), I don't care how much praying you do, those children need to be loved and protected from the abuser.
This is an outstanding book. If a couple is struggling with their marriage, this is one of the first resources they should use. My wife and I have been reading this book as we work on our highly stressed relationship. Chapman is a master in explaining how to work through marital issues. I only wished I had found this book sooner. Use the information that Chapman provides to turn your troubled marriage around. His message provide HOPE!!!!
I started reading marriage books ~3 months ago and this by far is the best one and has provided me some hope. I learned a lot about myself and have made lasting improvements. I believe this book would be helpful to anyone in a desperate marriage. I believe both partners would benefit from reading it, but unfortunately that doesn't always happen. That being my case, it did provide me with encouragement to hang in there.
A great read for those of us who are in desperate situations. This title is not as current as some of Dr Chapman's other books. There's not much Biblical teaching in this book, but there are some excellent scenarios/case studies in this book. I prefer one of his other titles, One More Try What to do When your Marriage is falling apart
This book did not help my marriage. Most self help books leave me with something useful, even if just a small nugget. But I cannot even remember a single thing this book said! I am glad for other reviewers who have found the help they were looking for. But this book didn't even scratch the surface for us.
The first (and less significant) problem The chapters are divided out by "difficulty," (see table of contents for specifics), and I would wager that most people are experiencing 1 - 3 of these difficulties, leaving the rest of the book as irrelevant. So if you are lucky, a few pages of this book will be relevant to your specific situation. Unfortunately, the difficulties represented herein are complex and devastating, and what's in these pages is not nearly sufficient coverage. In a nutshell, "Desperate Marriages" is an overview of specific difficulties, with some ideas of first steps you might be able to take and some examples. (Though I don't recommend this book; read further.)
The Second (and more significant) problem I found the advice to be not only unrealistic but poor. There are many stories that all seemed to leave me wondering, "Who ARE these people?" For example, if it was so easy to help a depressed spouse, who would have one? In real life, things are not as cut and dry as in these case studies. Not all of our spouses "predictably respond" just how we are hoping! Follow certain steps and some do's/don'ts, and your spouse will be on their way to healing? (I am quite positive Gary Chapman has never had a marriage like mine.)
The Bad Advice I have not found that "understanding the source of my spouse's negative behavior" (as this book advocates), brings healing nor harmony. In fact, it makes things worse because focusing on your spouse's problems is the basic recipe for an argument (in addition to marital dissatisfaction and personal despair). I think he gave very bad advice. I highly doubt a spouse is even able to arrive at a completely unbiased, accurate understanding of the roots of their spouse's behaviors. But even if that were the case, it does not begin to answer how you would practically solve the problem. Which leads to another concern - you can't be solving somebody else's problems. This book is not about minding your own business - it is about minding someone else's business because you think they are doing a bad job managing their own life. Whereas that may be true, you don't have the authority to change any of that. You're only the expert in your own life.
Many (most) marriage books seem to present a masked way to control, or manipulate one's spouse into changing. I am not the first person to discover that you cannot change other people. Gary Chapman claims that you can't change someone's behavior but you can influence it. That sounds like a fine statement, but the entire premise of the book is trying to change someone's behavior / fix their problem. Quite contradictory.
Likewise, we have not had success with couples' therapy. It seemed to revolve around deeply connecting with one's feelings and becoming vulnerable, but wouldn't tackle the troubling issues head-on. It lacked practical solutions to overcome them. Additionally, traditional marriage advice (giving 100% not 50/50, compromising, good communication, etc) is completely unhelpful in difficult marriages.
Now on to the good news
Although I do feel my spouse has difficult issues, I personally have found the most help for my marriage and myself, through getting off my husband's paper and changing the only thing I can control ME. I highly recommend the author Laura Doyle for all women. Learning her foundational "6 Skills" and implementing them in my life is the only hope and peace in marriage I have ever experienced. The Empowered Wife Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband's Time, Attention, and Affection I recommend all of her books wholeheartedly. If you are a woman and in a truly desperate marriage, I plead with you to look no further. Don't lose hope before this final resort. Order that book and also apply for a "Complimentary Discovery Call" like I did. Unlike "Desperate Marriages," her principles are more practical than PB&J for lunch.
Blessings on your search for healing in your marriage!
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